"What are we going to do?" asks the drunk passenger.

"Don't worry, I know what to do. Peel the label off your bottle and stick it to your forehead. Let me do all the talking."

They pull over and the cop gets out. "May I see your license and registration?" he asks. The guy gives him his license. "Have you been drinking?"

"No officer. We haven't."

"Well, you were weaving back and forth. Are you sure you haven't had anything to drink?" The officer asked.

"I swear officer. I haven't had a sip."

"Well why do you have beer labels on your foreheads?"

The man answers, "These aren't labels. We are alcoholics, and we're on the patch."

A long time AA member named Joe R has lived to a very old age and one morning God appears to him, as Joe lies in bed. 

Joe: What have you come for God?

God: Well Joe, I've come with some good news and some bad new, what do you want first?

Joe (being an optimist): I like to start the morning with good news

God: I have come to tell you that we have AA meetings in heaven

Joe: Alright - that's great! So what's the bad news? 

God: You're chairing tonight's meeting.... 

A guy is at the bar, just staring at his drink, when a big truck driver steps up next to him, takes the guy's drink, and gulps it down. 

The guy starts crying.  The truck driver says, "Come on, man, I was just fucking around. Here, I'll buy you another drink. For Christ sakes, don't cry." 

The guy says, "You don't understand. This has been the worst day of my life. First, I sleep late, and when I get to my office, my boss fires me. When I get to the parking lot, I find out my car is stolen. I get a cab home, and when I get there, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards in my desk at work. The cab driver doesn't believe me, and kicks my ass. When I finally go in the house, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. So I come to this bar, and just when I'm thinking about ending it all, you show up and drink my poison." 

An alcoholic had sworn off drink for the hundredth time to his wife. She told him this was his very last chance. He did fine for a couple of weeks but the day came when he stopped in a bar after work with his buddies. Sure enough, one drink led to dozens. He even threw up all over his shirt.

"What will I do now?" he asked his pals, "She'll see this and KNOW I've been drinking!"

"No problem," said one, "tell her you stopped here with us and only drank soft drinks but a drunk puked on you. To make it believable, stick a $10 bill in your front pocket and say he offered to pay for the dry cleaning."

"I'll do it!" the alkie exlaimed.

When he got home, his wife was about to yell at him, but he held up his hand and explained he was innocent but a drunk puked on him.

"See? he even gave me ten dollars to pay for dry cleaning," he said, reaching in his pocket and waving money.

The wife frowned and said "Why are you holding TWO $10 bills?"

"Oh that....he $#!t in my pants, too."

A young man goes to the catholic church to give his confession an tells the priest, "father, i cheated at cards last week an won a lot of money! Then i also took credit for another mans work at my job. They gave me a raise! I also went out with 5 different women last week an got lucky with all of them!"

The priest says to the young man " go home an squeeze 1 grapefruit, 2 lemons, 3 limes, and a tablespoon of Tabasco sauce in a glass an stir it real well, then drink it all without taking a breath."

The young man then asked the priest, "after i drink it will i be forgiven?"

The priest looks at him an says " hell no but it might take that smirky looking grin off your face !"

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.

"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.

"Why, that's the talking clock" the man replied.

"How does it work?"

"Watch", the man said, giving it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "For Christ sake, you wanker, it's 2am in the damn morning!!"

A duck walks into a bar, sits down at the barstool, and waits for the bartender.

The bartender walks up, hands the duck a menu, waits a while, and comes back to take his order. "What'll it be?" the bartender says.

The duck says, "I think I'll have the grapes." "Well, I'm sorry sir, but this is a bar, we don't serve grapes here. Now, I'll let you look a bit longer and wave when you know what you want."

The duck looks at the menu, then waves the bartender down. "Ok, you got your order?" The duck nods, saying, "I'll think I'll have the grapes."

The bartender, kind of peeved from the duck, says, "Look Mac, we don't have any grapes here. This is a bar. We don't serve grapes, so what will you have?!"

The duck looks at him in the eyes and says, "I'll have the grapes."

The bartender, enraged, shouts, "If you ask for the grapes one more time I'm going to nail your feathered ass to the barstool!!"

The bartender cools off a bit. "Now what will you have?!" "Got any nails?" "OF COURSE WE DON'T HAVE ANY NAILS! WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS IS? A HARDWARE STORE?"

"Good, got any grapes?"

You're fond of the saying "It's 5 o'clock somewhere."

You don't lose your car keys-- you lose your car.

The stranger you wake up with is not the same sex as s/he was the night before.

You know what the barrel of a gun tastes like.

You're telling the truth when you say "I don't recall."

You consider beer to be the Breakfast of Champions.

You wake up to blue lights in the rearview mirror.

You think the pill bottle warning label "ALCOHOL MAY INTENSIFY THIS EFFECT" is a serving suggestion.

When the doctor advises clear fluids, you drink vodka.

The song that best describes your mornings is "Whole Lotta Shakin' Goin' On."

 You wake up fully clothed and yell out: Hey, who took a shit in my pants last night?

Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One turns to the other and says: "You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building-by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window."

The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

The 2nd Man says: "What are you a nut? There is no way in hell that could happen."

1st Man:  "No it's true let me prove it to you."  So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below.

When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

The 2nd Man tells him: "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."

1st Man: "No, I'll prove it again" and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.

2nd Man: "Well what the hell, it works, I'll try it." he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors... and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.'

Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker: "You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk.

Due to increasing product liability litigation, beer manufacturers have accepted the FDA’s suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:

• WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you definitely are not.

• WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a douche.

• WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again.

• WARNING: Consumption of alcohol has been known to cause people to begin thaying shings like thish.

• WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that you ex-lover is dying for your phone call at four o’clock in the morning.

• WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what happened to your pants.

• WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is likely to make you think you’re flirting with the opposite sex when you’re actually borderline-yelling at and spitting on them.

A boy asks his grandmother, “Granny, have you seen a bottle of pills? It says ‘LSD’ on the bottle.”

The grandmother replies, “To hell with the pills… Have you seen the dragon in the kitchen?”

A newcomer asked his sponsor about the difference between a non-alcoholic, a potential-alcoholic, and the hopeless-alcoholic, explaining that he was confused by this terminology in the Big Book. 

So the sponsor took the new comer to the raunchiest bar in town.  Upon arriving, they stopped out back and sifted through the dumpster for flies. 

This seemed strange to the sponsee, but he did not question the old-timer.  When they had collected enough dead flies they entered the bar. 

Soon a fight broke out, and everyone in the bar rushed over to watch it, except for the two AA's.  The sponsor began dropping flies into beers at the bar.  When the fight broke up everyone returned to their seats.  One man picked up his beer, noticed the fly, and promptly asked the bartender for another draft. 

"That", said the sponsor "is what we call a non-alcoholic." 

A second man sat down, noticed the fly in his drink, tossed it aside, and drank his beer anyway. 

"That's what we call a potential-alcoholic", said the sponsor. 

The newcomer then said "If that's only a POTENTIAL-alcoholic, then what the hell is a hopeless-alcoholic?" 

Before he could finish a third man sat down at the bar, picked the fly out of his beer, held it up to his face, and yelled "SPIT IT OUT, YOU SON OF A BITCH!!!  SPIT IT OUT!!!"

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He saw a person on the ground and yelled down to him, “Can you help me? I don’t know where I am.”

The man replied, “Sure, I’ll help you. You are in a hot air balloon hovering 30 feet above the ground...between 40 and 41 degrees North latitude and between 59 & 60 degrees West longitude.”

“Wow, you must be an AA sponsor”, said the man in the balloon.

“I am”, said the man, “but what gave me away?”

“Well”, answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically right but I am still lost. Frankly you’re not much help at all and you might even have delayed my trip.”

“You must be an AA sponsee”, replied the man. The man in the balloon was amazed and said, “I am, but how did you know?” 

The man on the ground said, “Well, you don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You have risen to where you are due to a lot of hot air. You are expecting other people to solve your problems and the fact is that you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow now IT’S MY FAULT” !

"A drunk walks into a bar, sits down and demands a drink. 

"Get out" says the bartender. "I don't serve drunks here". 

The drunk staggers out the front door, only to come back in through the side door. He sits at the bar, bangs his fist and demands a drink. 

"I just told you to get out, didn't I? Now LEAVE!". 

The drunk gets off his stool, stumbles out the side door and, comes back inside through the back door. Once again, he sits at the bar and loudly asks for a drink. 

The bartender, now glowing mad, looks at the drunk and yells "I TOLD YOU, NO DRUNKS ALLOWED, NOW GET OUT!!!". 

The drunk looks up at the bartender and slurs "How many bars do you work at, anyway?"

Three guys were sitting in a biker bar. A man came in, already drunk, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. The man looked around and saw the 3 men sitting at a corner table.

He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked the biggest one in the face and said, "I went by your grandma's house and I saw her in the hallway, buck naked. Man, she is fine!"

The biker looked at him and didn't say a word. His buddies were confused, because he was a bad ass, and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"

The biker still said nothing. His buddies were starting to get mad.

The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I'll tell you something else boy, your grandma liked it!"

The biker stood up, took the drunk by the shoulder and said, "Damn it, Grandpa, you're drunk! Go home!"

A man sat down at a bar and told the bartender, "I bet you three hundred dollars that I can piss into the cup all the way over there on the other side of the bar and not miss a single drop."

The bartender said, "There is no way you can do that. Sure, I'll bet you three hundred dollars."

The man then begins to undo his pants and begins pissing. He starts pissing all over the bar, spraying on the bottles and the bartender, not making a single drop in the cup.

The bartender starts smiling and laughing and says, "That's it, you owe me three hundred dollars."

The man then gets up and walks over to the pool table and starts laughing and shaking hands with the men standing there. He walks back to bar, sits down and starts laughing at the bartender and hands him the money.

The bartender asks, "Why are you laughing? You just lost the bet."

The man said, "I'm laughing because I bet those guys over there one thousand dollars that I could piss all over you and your bar and you would still be laughing when I was done."

From <https://unijokes.com/alcohol-jokes/>

There were three guys: a sex addict, a weed addict, and an alcoholic. They all went to hell for their sins and were standing in front of the devil.

The devil made a deal with them saying, “I will lock you in a room with whatever you did for a 1000 years and if you get over any of your sins, I will send you back to the land of the living, Earth.”

So the sex addict got locked in a room full of virgins, the alcohol addict got locked in a room full of beer, the weed addict locked in a room full of weed.

1000 years later the Devil goes to the sex addict he comes out saying, "Aww my junk hurts I'm never having sex again!" Poof! Back to earth.

Next, he goes to the alcoholic's room and he says, "Im never having beer again", and gets sent back to Earth.

Then the Devil opens the weed addicts room and the addict punches the Devil in the face. The weed addict exclaims, "You jerk! You forgot my lighter!"

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar... FREE BEER! FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST!

So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.

Bartender replies “Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once and you can’t make a face while doing it. Second, there’s a ‘gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there’s a woman up-stairs who’s never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her.”

The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won’t do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there."

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"

He grabs the gallon of pepper tequila with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face.

Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence.

The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.

"Now" he says "Where’s that woman with the sore tooth?"

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.

"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won $20,000 in the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, age 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

"He thought he was having his picture taken.

A drunk was staggering down the beach, hungover and sick. His mouth was dry, and he badly wanted a drink. He was checking all the empty cans and bottles along the way.

He found a bottle, pulled the cork, and out popped a genie.

Genie said, "Great, I'm free! I have been in there for 3500 yrs. You get 2 free wishes!"

The drunk thought about it for a minute and said, "I want a bottle of wine that will never run dry."

POOF!

There, in his hands was a fresh bottle of wine. He pulled the cork and took a slug. The bottle refilled itself instantly.

"Great!" he said.

The genie asked, "What is your second wish?"

The drunk thought for a minute and asked the genie, "you got one more bottle like this?"

Two drunks are driving down the highway drinking beer. All of a sudden they see a police car's lights flashing in the rear view mirror.

"What are we going to do?" asks the drunk passenger.

"Don't worry, I know what to do. Peel the label off your bottle and stick it to your forehead. Let me do all the talking."

They pull over and the cop gets out. "May I see your license and registration?" he asks. The guy gives him his license. "Have you been drinking?"

"No officer. We haven't."

"Well, you were weaving back and forth. Are you sure you haven't had anything to drink?" The officer asked.

"I swear officer. I haven't had a sip."

"Well why do you have beer labels on your foreheads?"

The man answers, "These aren't labels. We are alcoholics, and we're on the patch."

A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth & nose. A young student female nurse appears & gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body & feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure & heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment & pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand & his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely & says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, & says very slowly,

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely:

"Are - my - test - results - back?"